Imperfection is Perfect
by RedBrushStroke
Summary: Disappearing is in fact, the best damn thing. Especially if no one will notice you're forever gone. Spamano T for language and suicidal themes. review plz


_Dear Antonio..._

All he needed was one quick read-through, and like a match, fear flared to its highest level in his life. His body reacted as he jolted out the door before his mind even told him to.

_I assume you'll come home late tonight... Again... _

The car's engine was still warm as he lept the seat and automatically clutched the steering wheel. His foot suddenly bolted to the petal. The rubber tires shreiked against the asphalt.

_So when you finally read this...I have no idea where I'll be. Does it even fucking matter? No! It never has, and it never will matter where I've been and where I'll be._

Antonio's eyes gleamed with acerbity, determination, passion and tears. His jaw was locked as his teeth grinded against each other. His once beautiful tan hands became white, and his muscles began to cramp as he gripped the leathery steering wheel harder. Growls often escaped his lips, vibrating deep from his throat, and he found himself constantly wiping away tears to see properly.

_Because no one will care to find out. No one will put in even the slightest bit of effort to figure it out. They don't care where I am! They don't care where I've been! They won't notice if I'm actually there or not... But fuck, you have to know the person to know if they're there or not... No one has ever known I'm a person too. _

"You son of a bitch! Move!" Antonio screamed at the top of his lungs as a small little car cut him off. The intersection was ridiculously busy. Even when the rain was pouring in sheets, people didn't hesitate to continue their wreckless driving. Though the Spaniard screamed and hollared at the sloppy drivers, he couldn't help but to be added to that list. His driving was choppy and uncoordinated, even though his focuss was spot on. He slammed his palm against the horn, blaring it at full volume.  
>"I said <em>move, you damn fucker!<em>"

_I'm simply an object. That object in the corner of that God damned attic! That object where-where if you find it, you don't care if it gets lost again. So what if that object disappears! No one will ever look for it, and it will finally no longer be a nuisance! Disappearing is a good damn thing!_

The car was on two wheels as Antonio made a sharp turn. He wiped off more tears, as he wheeled around another street. His hair was messy and sweat beaded his forehead despite the cool temperatures. His breath was heavy as if he had just finished running a marathon... Sounds would be spat out of his mouth. Curses, whimpers, sobs and just screams of frustration. The fear that boiled in his chest was reaching it's limit. His body began to shake and tremble, trying to keep hold of his senses. Antonio's usually emerald green eyes of joy and happiness were replaced by menacing and tenebrous ones. His brow furrowed and his jaw beginning to ache of its stiff position. But who cared?

_Disappearing is in fact, the best damn thing. _

_-Lovino_

The rain was so soft...and cold... It pattered against his arms, his hair, his bare feet. He took a deep, lingering breath. His olive green eyes were dry, dull and lifeless. Eyelids half open, gazing at the dull sky, and his fate. Lovino outstretched his arms, and his legs were pressed together. He now took on the shape of a cross or a human T. He took another sigh. Oh how he'd miss the rain. But one doesn't need water when they're dead. All he could hear was his heart beat fluttering, beating on his chest, and pulsating through his ears. The cars behind him were just a background noise. Somewhat of a low hum or buzz. Something like a fan when you're going to sleep. At this moment in time, he was numb. Nothing mattered at all, and Lovino felt he had all the time in the world. Just...just take your time, he told himself. Nothing to worry about. Your pain will be all gone in just a few fucking minutes. You can wait that long...  
>He heard an oncoming car, and decided he had had enough of this pathetic excuse for a world. A sad lonely excuse for a living planet. A horrible place to call a home! A ridiculous idea that man kind could live happy lives! He was about to leave it all! He would be the lucky one of all these fools. The cool metal underneith his feet was curved, and balancing himself still, he turned around to face the cars. No one could see him of course! No one ever actually saw him in the beginning. They probably knew he was there, just-just didn't care that he was about to take the Leap of Faith.<p>

Suddenly, he remembered his letter. Lovino grumbled. Fuck. Another regret. He shouldn't have written that. He didn't want Spain to actually _know _what he was doing. But he hadn't mentioned where or how he was going to commit suicide. So he should be safe.  
>"Better get it over with just to be safe," Lovino muttered. His arms were still open, and his legs were still pressed together. He took the deepest breath, before slowly, falling backwards...<p>

Spain jumped out of the car, it still running, and practically threw his upper half over the railing. There he saw him. It was like slow motion. It really was. Antonio couldn't even scream as he saw his little _tomate_ falling towards the white water. Lovino seemed to stare at him, his eyes (even though so far away!) seemed to tell him it was over. He might as well leave. Lovino kept his eyes open, still in the T formation, only to see his beloved Antonio staring down at him. Green eyes shimmering with protest. The air fluttered around him and chills flew up his spine as Lovino continued to stare at Antonio.  
><em>...So he did find me<em>, was all that Lovino thought.

Without any hesitation what so ever, leapt towards Lovino. His footing no longer on ground, Antonio took a dive position, preparing to grab Lovino as soon as any contact was made.  
>Lovino hit the water hard, his back cracking and his air supply abruptly cut off completely. Into the water Lovino sank, dark, cold and murky... Lonely, sad, and desperate for that beautiful light everyone took for granted. It seemed mute. The water watched as Lovino struggled under the weight of its dark waves. The Italian tried to relax, but natural reflexes wouldn't allow it. He felt pain shoot through his body like ice cold knives were slicing him thoroughly. A distant crushing sound entered his ears.<p>

Though Antonio could see nothing but murk, he dove in anyways, his air supply as well cut off. The water was cold, and it was as if little ice needles punctured his skin. The pressure was immense, and his body just felt like it needed to collapse. His lungs were burning but yet he persued. For what seemed like an eternity of sorts, Antonio flailed his arms, still under the water. Until thank the Lord, he felt smooth skin. Antonio didn't try to process what it was, he just knew it had to be Lovi. With all the strength he had left, the Spaniard yanked at tugged at the Italian, struggling and squirming to reach the surface. He kicked and kicked, wraping Lovino's arms around his neck.

Antonio couldn't take much more of this. He needed air fast. He kicked more before suddenly he broke free of the water's harsh, frigid cold grip. He gasped and spat up water, choking and wheezing before he began to swim to the nearest shore. Unfortunately for him, that was a good fifty yards away. Damn it! He had to make it! His and Lovi's lives depended on it.  
>"Hold on, Lovi! It's going to be a bumpy ride!" Antonio prepared himself mostly, giving himself some much needed prep talk. The water dared to drag him under its depths again many times as he worked towards the shore. But eventually, after gulping down mouthfulls of river water, Antonio drug himself and Lovino onto the rocky shore. He gasped and huffed, collapsing on the pebbles beneith him. Pains still shot up and down his body, but he was able to ignore it due to the adreneline rush. He took only a few seconds to catch his breath because while he was able to grab his, Lovino had lost his long ago.<p>

Lovino's face was tinted purple, and his eyes were closed. His lips were parted slightly and his body was ridgid. He was soaked to the bone, and his hair seemed to be plastered to his face. Antonio scurried to hold Lovino's nose and tip his head backwards. He puffed some airs into Lovino's mouth, feeling Lovino's cold icy lips pressed against his. Antonio's tears began to flow freely as he heard no response and felt no response. How he wished and yearned for his lips to be brushing against a very healthy, warm and live Lovino Vargas. Instead of pressing his lips to a cold, lifeless, hypothermic one. He puffed some more breathes in. As he was about to give up, water suddenly squirted into his mouth. Choking and gagging was heard soon afterwards. Antonio gasped as Lovino began to cough and his body began to move.  
>"L-Lovino!" Antonio cried, tears still streaming down his reddened face. Antonio scooped up the smaller of the two, and patted his back softly.<br>The coughing soon quit.

He could see white, no gray. And...and brilliant green eyes! Staring at him, observing him. But what-what was in the way? Lovino had to take a second to look, his eyes blinked a few times, before settling on staying half-lidded. Oh...tears... Antonio was crying over him, _literally_. Wait. Antonio? Lovino's eyes shot open.

"What"-cough-"What are you doing!" Lovino croaked.  
>He had to admit, the warmth that Antonio's body was producing was quite nice, but he needed to get away from it now. The Italian fidgited and squirmed, but his lover would not let go.<br>"Lovino..." Antonio murmured. He nuzzled his face into the crook of Lovino's neck, "Oh my God, Lovino!"

Antonio squeezed tighter. He sniffled and sputtered out sounds before he could create words. But eventually, he managed.  
>"My God, Lovino! Why? Why would you do that! Why? Why? Why!" Antonio shrieked, crying into his shoulder. It took a few seconds...for the other to process the idea that Antonio Fernandez Carriedo could cry... Or would cry. The older Spaniard sobbed and blubbered as he continued to hold Lovino like it was his only way of living.<br>"Why! Why! Why!" was all he chanted.

Lovino lowered his head, not caring to hug back. He was too weak to do so anyways. He couldn't tell Antonio. No. He just-

"I'm not worth it."

He did.

Antonio felt Lovino begin to tremble and shake in his arms, and his little Italian too, began to cry.

"I'm-I'm not worth anything, dammit! I never was worth anything, and I never will be!" Lovino spewed, shit. He couldn't stop, "Everyone hates me! No one even likes me! Everyone preferes _fratello_ over me! He's the better of us two, he's nice, he's happy, he's not spoiled, he's not selfish, he's-he's everything I'm not. I can't stand it! Why do I have to be the bad one? Why do I have to be the black sheep of the family? Why do I have to be lonely?  
>How come no one else acts like I do? It's-it's not my fucking fault that I cuss so God damned much! It's not my fault! It's not my fault! I'm just too imperfect! I'm just too flawed to be even considered to be liked!"<br>Lovino took a second to catch his breath, as he hic-uped and sputtered. Tears rushed down his cheeks, as he continued to cry. He clinged to Antonio now, just as Antonio did to him.

"It's not fair! I want to be better at this whole Life idea! I don't want to be imperfect anymore! I want to be loved, Antonio. I want to be loved...but I'm too imperfect to be loved," Lovino felt horrible for dropping his burden on the only person he actually cared about in life besides his brother. He wished Antonio hadn't saved him, and he wished he could be in the sky now, away from his problems. He was also horrible at facing them too... So imperfect. So imperfect...

Antonio hugged the boy tighter, giving him butterfly kisses on all available skin. Why hadn't he told him this earlier? Why hadn't he talked to him? How long had Lovino been bottling himself up like this...? ...Why hadn't he noticed...  
>Antonio mentally butchered himself for being so oblivious.<p>

"Lovino Vargas..." Antonio addressed quietly, "It isn't your fault. It never was. Can you look at me, please?"

Antonio cupped his face. Their eyes locking in a powerful gaze.

"You're imperfect. _I'm_ imperfect. But you're so special because of your so-called 'flaws'. It's hard to let people know you're there, if you don't let them know... You're so cute when you're shy! That's why I love you. Yes, I _love_ _you_. You actually opened up to me, and I was able to notice _you_. And that little Lovi trapped within that net of profanities and mean is just so adorable, I'd do anything to keep it with me. And your brother is different from you. Very different. But does that make him better? No. Not at all. He has quite a list of imperfections, too. However, your imperfections, Lovino, are what make you perfect."

Lovino gazed at him still, as Antonio closed his eyes, and put his forehead to his, "And don't ever, ever, _ever_ try to do _that_ again! Please, _mi amor. _Do not put me through such agony again..."

Antonio leaned into peck him affectionately on the lips. Ah, they were warm! Lovino stared still, his eyes glued to the rocks below, as tears continued to silently pelt the ground. It was hard to tell where the tears were, and it was somewhat difficult to tell both were crying. The rain was a beautiful perfect disguise for that. Lovino let the words sink in, and he felt Antonio's thumb caress his cheek. Antonio...he loved him...he truly did.

As he finally understood that he was good enough for life, and that life was a bitch sometimes, but she too had her flaws, Lovino quirked a small smile.

"_G-grazie_, bastard," Lovino chuckled. Antonio smiled with relief, and the weight of the world was taken off his shoulders.

"_De nada_."

"And...I promise...I won't try to do _that_...ever again," Lovino added silently. Antonio took another breath of relief.

"Come, _vamos_, let's get you home," Antonio smiled. His cheeriness and bubbliness returned within an instant. Without hardly any effort at all, Antonio picked up his little tomato, and carried him back to the car. And during his hike back up the bridge, he couldn't help but continue to stare at the rare, but oh so godly like smile Lovino gladly let show.

"I love you, Antonio," Lovino whispered.

"I love you, too."

* * *

><p><strong>Ah I haven't written anything in a long while. That's why this story SUCKS. But finally I broke through my writer's block! Yay~! Fuck i hate writer's bocks OTL btw Suicide seemed like a good thing to base a story off of and I've been wanting to write something on the lines of near or certain death. I have another story in mind but not quite sure how to get it off the ground. :) it unfortunately involves certain death :( sorry. btw SPAMANO! my OTP!<br>Could not live without you two~!  
><strong>

**Now, I feel some of it dragged on or lagged. Like maybe I added too less of dialouge and too much description. I've been told I do that sometimes. haha... but i want you guys to get the feel of the emotions I feel when i write. Hopefully i made at least one tear shed? Or have some sort of sad reaction? lol that sounds weird. btw.**

**I also feel the last part was sloppily done and did not flow well at ALL. like srsly, it seems really um...choppy? oh well. but hey! i added some new words in! yayz~ thank you for thesauruses . well anyways, thanks so much for reading and hopefully i didn't bore you to death. PLEASE REVIEW! :D makes mah inbox happy u kno? **

**with much love,**

**-RBS**


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